May 2005 Archives

I promise to be positive about something this week. But before that:

Live 8. Sure, Bob, it has nothing to do with Live Aid. Completely different logos, for a start.

Oops.

So, then, the lineup. The French are punished for voting "no" on Sunday by having to face the twin evils of both Craig David and Jamiroquai (which seems harsh any way you look at it), and the rest of the line-up around the world looks just as uninspiring (Coldplay and Snow Patrol at the same venue? Aha, a game of spot the difference played before millions!). Anybody want to take bets on Sir Fabba Macca Thumbs Aloft McCartney performing a sing-a-long version of Let It Be? And what about people who don't have a mobile phone? I realise that there's only about five of us left in the country, but still, it hurts to be left out of the ticket lottery!

Ehh, maybe I'm being too hard. My original thought when hearing about this was that it was an obvious spoiler for the G8 protests in Scotland; keep the kiddies occupied while the leaders talk. But it's clear that Ure and Geldof want Scotland protests. And in a big way. It just feels wrong, really, that here we are, twenty years later, and it's the same names, trying to replicate an almost unique event. As if they're trying to make up for the failures of Band Aid and Live Aid. And as if the leaders will listen. You can really see George Bush thinking "Muse are against poverty? Well, damn it, they're my favourite neo-prog-rock-Britpop band! Dick, get me the Treasury on the phone, I'm gonna make a phone call…"

When you've finished laughing at Daniel Beddingfield's inability to break the Top 40 (Bonnie and I have been chuckling about it all day, apart from when I've been saying "Are you my mummy?" in childlike tones to freak her out), here's a little quiz.

First person to identify the comic that goes with each balloon (you don't have to do the NEVER!!! one) wins a prize!

Thermometer outside reads 32˚C. Hurrah!

(stays inside all day to celebrate)

It seems all this week, I've been moaning and groaning. Sorry about that. One last moan though:

Huh? Considering how I was walking around Chapel Hill in September 2003 with a copy of Final Straw, how on earth is it eligible for this year's Novellos?

Also: KEANE? A nation weeps, as the doom-laden sound of a frog can be heard on the horizon…

Someone! Please! Tell Richard Curtis TO STOP! Enough with the "See! Politics! Feel! DAMN YOU! Now, a shy Englishman joke!" sledgehammer. It stopped being amusing a long time ago, and now it's just embarrassing…

A new Parliamentary session, and yes! Another lame bundle of cobbled-together reasons from Labour about why we should all have identity cards. This time? Well, the Prime Minister says we need ID cards to "stop the soaring costs of identity theft". Wow, that's a new one. Not quite sure how it's going to stop people from rifling through bins, finding credit card and banking statements and using that information to sign up to new credit cards, gamble on the Internet, and generally spend money. Perhaps our new ID cards will include sentry guns. They'd better, considering they're going to cost the Government at least £5bn in creating the world's most complex biometric database, using all kinds of unproven technology. Oh, and they're going to cost us roughly £100 on top of that as well. Oh, and has the Government mentioned that you're going to have to fork out that sum every five years? No? Fancy that.

I spent far too much time last year talking about this, so go have a look if you want to hear my arguments against the scheme (and while I am a lefty 'identity cards will insidiously change the relationship between the state and individual much for the worse', most of my arguments are on practical grounds). There's also the No2ID site, which has a very comprehensive FAQ on the matter, along with all sorts of ideas about how to protest to Parliament about this Bill. Hopefully, with the help of a few Labour rebels, the Home Office can be sent packing once again…

Oh, and there's a report from one of the biometric trials at the Home Office's site. Iris scanning seems to be the most effective, but look at the shocking verification rates for facial and finger prints: 69% and 81%. Wonderful, a £5.5bn system that might have a 1 in 5 chance of making a verification error? *round of applause*

Also: there are around 70 proposed passport centres to be setup. Everybody needs to be scanned…it's going to take quite a while, isn't it?

01 (NE) Crazy Frog - Axel F
02 (NE) Coldplay - Speed of Sound
03 (01) Oasis - Lyla
04 (02) Akon - Lonely
05 (04) Gorillaz - Feel Good Inc
06 (03) Black Eyed Peas - Don't Phunk With My Heart
07 (NE) Amerie - 1 Thing
08 (NE) Audio Bully's ft. Nancy Sinatra - Shot Me Down
09 (NE) Gwen Stefani - Hollaback Girl
10 (05) Tony Christie ft. Peter Kay - (Is This The Way To) Amarillo?

(it's a week for music heartbreaking, it seems; Mark Radcliffe crossed the BBC picket line yesterday)

EDIT: From Simon Tyers's spanking new blog with a snappy title: 40,000 copies.

Not. Enough. Gun.

People of the UK! This week sees a great turning point in our nation. A week where a decision will be taken that will decide our country's destiny.

You have a choice. You can either buy Amerie's One Thing, or you can contribute to the infection that is spreading through the internet and all over our TV stations by purchasing the Crazy Frog. shudder.

You have a choice. A vote for Amerie means summer, sun, and fun. A vote for the Frog pushes Britain over the brink. This will be our future: a naked blue frog stamping on our face for all eternity.

Don't let it happen. Vote bing-bong-bing-bong.

Tor - a system for almost total anonymous internet connections…

(and Happy Birthday to Bicester Richard!)

Oo-er!

George Lucas is not a good director. Or scriptwriter. Maybe he was once; many speak of THX-1138 and American Graffiti was some affection, but twenty years without directing a film has taken a heavy toll. Revenge of The Sith is full of pacing errors, clunky dialogue, and an over-reliance on CGI.

That being said, I really enjoyed it.

Won't talk too much, for fear of giving away spoilers, but my favourite moments? The rather moving "Order 66" montage, completely stolen from The Godfather but still effective, "I have the high ground!" and what came five seconds afterwards, and the cuteness of The Phantom Menace returning with rather horrifying results (you don't see anything, but it's easily the darkest scene in all six films). Even Lucas's ham-fisted attempts at political commentary (a sample: "This is how democracy ends, then. To thunderous applause.") amuse - at least he's trying. He's not good enough to get there, and yes, perhaps he should have got someone else to help with the script, but at least it's not just making a toy commercial (the actual idea of the new trilogy is fairly strong, and more complex than the first three, but Lucas's failings mean that many of the subtleties are lost amongst the action scenes).

It's not going to change your mind about the series; if you hated it before, you'll really hate it after this, but otherwise, it's a good ending to the new trilogy.

PLUS! YODA AS JOHN MCLAINE! "Come out to Dagobah, we'll get together, have a few laughs!"

Last week, the MPAA declared war on TV filesharing, taking out some of the most popular BitTorrent trackers all at once. You could almost hear the cries of anguish screaming through the Internet.

Well, today, the Internet is chuckling. For there is a new beta release of BitTorrent. And it removes the need for a central tracker, instead turning every client in the swarm into a mini-tracker. The weakest link in the BT design has been fixed. Oops.

From Harper's

When Bush invited him to the Oval Office to discuss policy with seven other chieftains of the Christian right in late 2003, Pastor Ted regaled his whole congregation with the story via email. “Well, on Monday I was in the World Prayer Center”— New Life’s high-tech, twentyfour- hour-a-day prayer chapel —“and my cell phone rang.” It was a presidential aide; “the President,” says Pastor Ted, wanted him on hand for the signing of the Partial-Birth Abortion Ban Act. Pastor Ted was on a plane the next morning and in the President’s office the following afternoon.

Also, made the mistake of watching this man today. Completely awesome. Includes amazing bits such as "the Bible does not refer to America in any of its prophecies. Perhaps this indicates that America is coming for a fall" Or, perhaps, just maybe, that Daniel and the others may not have known about the American landmasses at the time. Just maybe…

There is a special level of Hell being carved out for employees of Jamster. I feel like rewriting the Bill Hicks routine on advertising…

British Parliamentary System 1 US Senate 0 (Away win, in case you're doing the pools)

INT: A School classroom. It's the beginning of a new day; all the children are sitting patiently at their tables, as the teacher, Miss Keene, walks in.

MISS KEENE: Good morning children!

CHILDREN: Good morning, Miss Keene!

MISS KEENE: Now, children, we have a new member of class joining us today. (to the door) Come in!

(A pepperpot-shaped object trundles in)

MISS KEENE: Class, this is Derek. Say hello to Derek, class.

CHILDREN: Hello, Derek!

DEREK: HELLO-EARTH-CHILDREN! YOU-WILL-BE—

MISS KEENE: Hush, Derek. We have to get on with class.

DEREK: YES-MISS. I-WILL-OBEY.

(Miss Keene looks around the class, spying an empty seat)

MISS KEENE: Ah, Derek, why don't you sit next to Tom over there?

DEREK: I-OBEY!

(Derek trundles over to Tom's desk, crushing the empty chair)

MISS KEENE: Now class, let us continue with algebra. Who can remember what x is in 2x + 5 = 11?

(Derek sticks his plunger up)

DEREK: I-KNOW! I-KNOW I-HAVE-THE-ANSWER! IT-IS-THREE-MISS-KEENE!

MISS KEENE: Very good, Derek.

(Derek's eyebulb glows)

MISS KEENE: Okay. Now Beth, could you solve this problem for me....(voice trails off)

(Tom pokes Derek)

DEREK: OW!

(Miss Keene looks around)

MISS KEENE: Derek?

Derek: TOM-POKED-ME-MISS-KEENE!

MISS KEENE: Tom?

TOM: Did not, Miss!

MISS KEENE: Derek, don't tell lies. (turns back to Beth)

(Derek glares at Tom, flashing his lights. Tom pokes him again)

DEREK: MISS-KEENE! HE-POKED-ME-AGAIN! HE-MUST-BE-EXTERMINATED!

MISS KEENE: I won't have that kind of talk in my classroom! Go stand outside, Derek!

(Derek trundles out, eyestalk lowered)

CUT TO:

EXT. The school playground. Tom is holding a football, with a boy called Billy next to him. They're standing in front of a wall, picking out other boys from a line.

TOM: Okay Billy, I'll have Peter, Richard, and Leo.

BILLY: Jack, George, and Liam? You're with me.

(The boys file over to the appropriate side. Derek's head revolves from side to side, realising that he's the last one against the wall)

DEREK: WILL-NO-ONE-PICK-ME?

(Tom and Billy exchange a look)

TOM AND BILLY: WHY DON'T YOU JUST DIE?!!?!

(Derek trundles off, eyestalk lowered, to the tune of The Littlest Hobo in the background)

This is just the sort of event that the BBFC is protecting us from. Remember kids, it's not nice to be cruel to Daleks!

To mourn the passing of btefnet: For over two years, the Internet's quality venue for TV copyright infringement. For all those episodes of Buffy, 24, The Daily Show, and countless others, we salute you, btefnet. Remember, when we buy DVD box sets and watch programme that aren't even transmitted here, we're actually setting fire to the studios' puppies. Or something.

I will fight anybody who thinks The Fast Show was lazy comedy. Anybody who includes a Ken Morse joke that is on screen for less than five seconds had to be paying some attention to what they were writing…

Anyway, thoughts on some TV shows! (yes, exciting, I know. If you're American, most of this will make no sense. If you're British, then you'll just be bored. Hey, there's a Cliff Richard track on here if you get really desperate)

• Doctor Who

  Okay, we're now over half-way through this series, so I'm now seeing some of the flaws. I'm still enjoying it, but a few things are starting to annoy me just a little. Firstly, I think the lack of cliffhangers hurts the series more than I originally imagined. There's no room in the single episodes - they either concentrate on the plot and have the characters run through the required machinations, or they're heavy characterisation pieces with a wafer-thin story. Secondly, the Doctor doesn't really do very much, does he? In every episode bar one, the day has been saved by somebody else, perhaps with his cajoling, but in a passive role. I'd prefer a much more active Doctor. And finally, for all the talk of the Rose/Doctor Companion relationship being the most sophisticated portrayal yet, every time it comes up in the script, it's handled embarrassingly badly (Russell Davies is actually the worst for this, although none of the writers have handled it all that well).

• Dead Like Me

  I do want to like this series. And I do, a little. But the relentless death and misery gets to you after a while. Yes, it's about a group of Grim Reapers, so I should expect death to come up a little, and it is really funny in places. But the sun is shining and I want something with a little more joy.

• FAQ-U

  Haha. Just kidding. I saw the adverts, and realised that it was a delicious attempt to make The 11o'clock Show seem like a work of staggering genius. Does anybody else remember the real Channel 4? That was quite good from time to time?

• Smallville

  No longer watching! Hurrah! No longer do I despair at the horrible writing, the idiotic plotting, the COMPLETELY INSANE IDEA OF HAVING LOIS LANE MEETING KENT BEFORE HE BECOMES A JOURNALIST, and, if I EVER, EVER see a piece of red kryptonite again, it will be too song (sue me, I'm something of a Superman fanboy. Catch my rant about how Tarantino is COMPLETELY wrong in Kill Bill, and you'll hear my use of capital letters).

• The Wire

  Sadly finished now (at least in the UK), but quite possibly the 2nd best police procedural TV series I've ever seen. I'm sure Baltimore is a nice place really…

• Law & Order

  I've talked about this before, but it's still brilliant, despite clinging to the formula like something brown and sticky (unlike many, I have never grown out of the stick joke. I apologise). Jack McCoy is a total monster, a D.A. that will bend (and break) all the rules to send somebody to prison. And if he can't get the right verdict, he'll either force a mistrial, or find some arcane bit of law that manages to get the last laugh. The show is a little let down at the moment by Elizabeth Röhm, who has less emotion and stage-presence than a Cyberman, but it's good fun nonetheless.

• House

  This is vicodin. It's mine and you can't have any.

  
  

  Hugh Laurie as an American doctor who hates patients and is smarter than everybody else in the room. And he knows it. Again, there's a rigid formula in this show (patient comes in with disease, staff try different treatments to cure him or her, getting it wrong, but then finding the right one by the 35-minute mark), but Laurie makes every minute worth watching; snarling, bitterly sarcastic, and hobbling through the hospital, trying to find a big enough TV to watch General Hospital on.

  
  

Yes, so I watch too much TV.

This is probably going to be a slight week for posting, I'm afraid.

Two things:

• Why isn't there a book on Dexy's Midnight Runners? Given some of the extraordinary tales of their early days (stealing their own master tapes, for example), writing a song that is legally required to be played at all weddings (see the Pop Act 1985, Part 1 Para 82), and Kevin Rowland playing Reading in a dress, you'd think there was a surfeit of material to write about. Someone get onto it!
• Has it really been ten years since Catsuit City?

I want, nay, I demand, a Bollywood remake of Knight Rider!

Do you get excited by barcodes?

Kitty Watch The Stars!

Who do I have to kill to get some of these?

It's Google For Cocktails!

I know you've been wanting it — a song where Cliff Richard does his spin on Ferris Bueller's Day Off. I give you — What Car? (available from all good newsagents, ahahahaha):

My daddy had a 68 Camero
When I was sixteen he went out of town
There were car keys sitting on the bureau
Screaming out come take a drive around
From here to Linda’s all the lights were yellow
Even though she said we were through
When she saw me in that red Camero
All she said was let’s see what she’ll do
What car, what girl, what tree, what curb
What are you talking about
I never left the house
What keys, what crash, how dare you ask
The car is gone – move on
(Daddy you’d better move on)

Monday morning he was in the kitchen
Asking if I had a tale to tell
A certain red collectible was missing
Sorry daddy that doesn’t ring a bell
I was running late but I agreed to join him
At the scene of the alleged theft
But there’s an emptiness you can’t ignore
Where the stain of oil is all that you have left

Even if they found the wreckage
Even if they haul me in
I’m sticking to the same old story
Again and again and again and again

And for those of you desperate to hear it (think Shania Twain. *shudder*), the Internet comes to your rescue…

Previously, the Best Image Ever was this:

However, the new Best Image Ever is now this:

This is the Voice of Fate. Thank you for your time…

So, another first. Today, I sat in the dressing room of a concert venue, drunk some of a rider, and asked a band some questions. The Go! Team - a lovely bunch of people who were very nice to a newbie and were amused when I admitted that half of my questions were cribbed from old copies of Smash Hits…

Firstly, apropos of nothing, an article on Oasis by Paul Morley. I can't say that I agree with all of it, but it's amusing in places.

So, exit polls are suggesting that the Tories are going to do better than expecting, getting 209 seats in the new Parliament. Which should keep Howard in a job. Boo.

Dr. Liam Fox! Most punchable member of Parliament! Natalie Imbruglia? Good grief!

Despite everything, I still can't stand the sight of gleeful Tories…grrr…

A point where I get to wear my political hat once more - will this bring the West Lothian Question back into play?

Peter Snow has his toys out! He's playing Command & Conquer with Parilament. AWESOME.

Hmm. A couple of fairly safe Labour seats look to be wobbly. Dartford and one in Birmingham. GO SUNDERLAND! FASTEST COUNTERS IN THE WEST!

And the first result isssss…Sunderland South…Labour win with 17,982…which supposedly means that the exit polls are in fact too high…

Never let it be said that the BBC do dumb things with their money - they're painting a huge election picture in Gateshead! Eschewing all that CGI nonsense…they're going to paint a map. GENIUS.

Aww, it's Lizo from Newsround! He's all grown up!

Special attention must be lavished on Peter Snow's orange shirt. Simply wonderful!

BBC Election Party! Shoot Jon Culshaw. Please. Jeremy Paxman still with the withering sarcastic putdown.

Tap-tap-tap. Boring bit of election night, waiting for things to actually happen…but Ian Hislop is always entertaining.

Meanwhile, the Scottish correspondent is telling us that she knows very little. But is stretching it. A lot. And now it's the turn of the Welsh…

Sunderland North! Labour with 15,719. Change of 5% to Con. Eeek. 7% is into Hung Parliament areas…

7th safest Labour seat coming up - Houghton & Washington East. Again Labour vote falls, but still hold. Does it strike anybody as weird that Tony Blair might tonight become the most successful Labour leader ever, and yet still be branded as a failure?

Aww, Boris. So amusing. Amazingly, he manages to concede defeat in his first few sentences! And there's going to be a fight there if they're not careful!

Now looking at the Liberal Democrats' 'Decapitation Strategy'. It would be so funny if they managed to pull off some of these strikes (including David Davis, Oliver Letwin, and even Michael Howard himself).

Another Labour Hold, this time in Scotland. Swing of 4% to Lib Dem. The Lib Dems are looking to be doing quite well indeed…

"Steady on! It's Ken Clarke!"

Ooh, Kilroy-Silk will hopefully be smacked down hard…

Did David Dimbleby just say "ding-dong"?

KILL JON CULSHAW. WITH PILEDRIVERS.

And I'm going to be very annoyed at Galloway's victory. Yes, let's vote in a guy who visited Saddam Hussein, praised him, and flattered him. Piece of worthless scum…

Barnsley: Lab hold - swing of 4% to Conservative…Hull West & Hessle another Labour hold, 5% swing to Lib Dem. Although I don't think the swing really counts until we get into marginal seats really, and everything is a little topsy-turvy at the moment

Conservatives win Putney - gain from Labour. Swing of 6%. Uh oh.

Labour is going to get a big kicking…

Brown gets in, "we will listen and learn" And Jack Straw is back too...

Um, what if Tony Blair's threat about the Lib Dems was…actually right? Although they seem to be having a few problems.

The theme for tonight: NOBODY HAS A CLUE.

David Dimbleby has been on the rum. I think the election coverage would be much improved if all the pundits were drinking along with the results…another Lib Dem gain from Labour.

Peter Snow is going out on a limb! LD 59, C 201, L 357. Labour majority of 68. More Labour seats fall to the Lib Dems.

The first of the main LD strikes against the Tory leadership fails as Teresa May is re-elected.

Leader of BNP got 9% of vote…Labour's 5th safest seat falls to an independent. Nye Bevin's old seat, no less.

Perhaps it's the old Thatcher heartlands returning home. Seats are coming in thick and fast, but it's looking likely for a Labour majority slashed in half. Which is probably a good thing.

Sedgefield: Mr. Tony Blair, rather downcast, is re-elected. The Tories continue to pick off London seats…Blair looks old, tired, and grey. The greatest Labour leader in history. Battered and broken. The Lib Dems are overturning quite large Labour majorities, but aren't having any real success against the Tories. For instance - Manchester Withington - the Dems overturned a 33% Labour majority!

Iain Duncan-Smith: "We've made a start on returning" - nice one, maybe you'll be back in power in 2020. Plus a fantastic endorsement of Michael Howard - "I don't mind who's leader"

Looks like Galloway has won. *shoots self* Yes: THIS MAN:

is going to be a Member of Parliament. GRR.

Lib Dems strike out again - David Davis is re-elected. Stephen Twigg loses the old Portillo seat back to the Tories.

Labour needs 71 seats for a majority right now. The South-East is turning Blue again. However, it looks like the Tories are still not welcome in Scotland. And we're only blessed with one member of the Johnson family in Parliament, thank goodness, as Boris's dad fails in his election bid.

A 49% swing in Blaenau Gwent…wow. Don't annoy the Welsh.

So, does this mean that the Labour rebels are now rubbing their hands together? They're now strong enough to defeat the Government over ID Cards and Terrorism laws.

Charles Kennedy is back, baby! Letwin holds Dorset. Yes, Oliver, because the Government is going to have a majority of roughly 70, and has to worry about its own, rather than you lot across the floor. That's a stunning victory for the Tories.

Oh, is that a Scottish seat for the Tories? 25 seats to go.

Oooh, Erewash is about to declare. The Church of Militant Elvis Party! AWESOME! Robert Kilroy-Silk - 2,957 votes. Only just saving his deposit. Faith in Britain is partially restored. May he now disappear down a sewer…

Right, it looks like Folkestone is about to declare for Michael Howard, so it looks like he'll be staying. And I'll be going to bed, 14 short of a Labour majority, but another Labour Government guaranteed…

I will probably do live blogging of tomorrow's results, because I don't have to get up early on Friday, and I'm also very sad. No alcohol for this election!

Just a thought — will this be one of the first elections in memory where people are voting for the party in spite of the Prime Minister? I mean, half the country made have hated Thatcher and are eagerly building dancefloors, I can't imagine many of her detractors voting for her in 1987…

One of the reasons why I haven't been writing so much about the UK General Election is that I can't seem to get a handle on it (those of you at the back who point out that I didn't have much of one on the US election and it didn't seem to stop me — hohoho. The men with blunt metal poles will meet you out back). I can't help but feel that Labour are going to win, again. And I want them to. I want the Thatcherism-with-a-Dalek-face-controlled-by-John-Howard-as-Davros version of the Conservative Party stopped in its tracks. On the other hand, I want Labour humbled, so that they have to listen to their backbenchers for once. And, seeing as how the Lib Dems are still not in a position to be the Opposition, it leaves me conflicted.

Anyway, the story today is how the national polls are overshadowing the key marginal races. Across the country, Labour is slaughtering all-comers, but in the hotly-contested seats, things are much closer. The Guardian is reporting that the Labour majority may be slashed to double figures on May 5th, and that all sides will probably face losses in marginal seats. Michael Howard is looking reasonably secure, leading the Lib Dem challenger by 45% to 38% (but how funny would that be?), as is David Davis. There probably won't be too many surprises on the night, it seems.

So what can we expect from Thursday? Don't ask me! You know my track record! (Labour win, majority down to 60. Or thereabouts. ID cards to be handed out the next day…)

You spend so long without British sci-fi being around, then it all comes at once! This weekend saw the transmission of the most-anticipated episode of Doctor Who so far, Dalek, and the release of the film version of Douglas Adams' The  Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy. Madness! Insanity! The Conservative Manifesto! (ahahaha. Ha. Dies)

Dalek was mostly awesome. A few clunky lines, but worth it to see the Doctor completely losing his head over the Last Enemy. "YOU-WOULD-MAKE-A-GOOD-DALEK!" and "I-AM-ALONE!" Choice Dalek dialogue! Okay, so yes, The Power of Love saved the day, but still, a great episode, and I'm loving the Damaged Doctor approach this series is taking…

The Guide is surprising both very faithful to the source material and completely contradictory, a rather Adams-like quality. Many of the jokes from the book are transferred straight to the screen, although some ended up being a little mangled in the translation. In an attempt to give the story a plot, there's a dodgy kidnap-and-rescue plot inserted with the subtlety of a Vogon invasion fleet, but it does give rise to the swat jokes, which are probably one of the best visual gags of the film. Oh, and Love Conquers All again — it's definitely not as cynical as the books.

The Guide itself is underused. Stephen Fry's voiceovers, coupled with Flash-like animations for the Guide entries are easily the highlight of the film, even if they haven't changed very much from the book/radio versions. There's something wrong with the rest of the cast, though. Martin Freeman's Arthur Dent is inconsistent and bland, Bill Nighy puts on a Bill Nighy performance, that, with the addition of a few bad jokes, appears to be identical to the one in Love, Actually, and I'm still trying to work out why John Malkovich is even in the film. Mos Def mumbles quite a bit, but him, Alan Rickman, and Zooey Deschanel (Almost Famous! that's where she's from!) give the best performances in a very messy film that ambles around aimlessly. Like the book, it has little plot, but unfortunately, it doesn't quite have the charm and playfulness of Adams' earlier version.

Oh, except for one scene involving the Infinite Improbability Drive…