So far:
Joan Rivers is a very scary person.
Just remembered the best part of watching the Oscars from the UK: when America goes to a break, it cuts back to the British studio and everybody makes scathing comments, in a nice British way…
No, I'm convinced that Joan Rivers is part cyborg, and spends every night in a hermetically sealed Tupperware box.
It's over an hour before the awards start. Maybe I've peaked too early.
Forty minutes to go! And Robin Williams has been doing a test of the five-second delay…
The BBC presenter and Joan Rivers are about to have a fist-fight over who gets to interview Nicole Kidman. And she doesn't seem to want to talk to either of them. Oh the fun.
Okay, having second thoughts about the BBC links now. I hope they swap out the guests like they did two years go, or this is going to get annoying very quickly.
And I forgot that they tack on another half-hour of red-carpet footage before they start. Silly me.
Here we go!
Billy! Billy! Billy!
I had forgotten about the singing…
Oh, it's been so long…and we got proof that Michael Moore has a sense of humour at least 8-)
And Best Supporting Actor is Tim Robbins. Annnnnd an advert break.
Art Direction: Lord of The Rings notches up its first award of the night. Bonnie is happy that it beat M&C.
Okay, it's puerile, but I find Robin William's five-second delay very amusing…Finding Nemo wins best animated feature film. And a sweet acceptance speech.
Best Costume! LOTR again. There are giggles coming from the other side of the room. Tonight's speech theme is childhood confessions, it seems.
Best supporting actress: Renée Zellweger, as expected,
Why does Alistair MacGowan hate Johnny Depp so much?
Ben and Owen! Best Film Short: Two Soliders. Best Animated Short:Harvey Krumpet, thus avoiding the potentially fun sight of Roy Disney being given a podium on ABC to slate Disney. Oh well.
Liv Tyler goes emo!
Sting is playing some strange wooden instrument that looks like a cross between a jack-in-the-box and a violin. And even he looks bored, which is saying something…
Are we getting all the songs out of the way now? Seems a little early…Oh okay, just three.
The BBC links are poor. Where's Alan Cumming when you need him?
Best Special Effects: LOTR again. Going very well so far. (BIlly Crystal's mind-reading gag wasn't as funny as last time, unfortunately)
Look! It's the awards with all the techies! Who aren't invited to join the beautiful people 8-).
There's no getting around it. Jim Carrey looks like a Vulcan. Blake Edwards showreel for the Lifetime achievement Oscar, which means we should have a clip of Breakfast At Tiffany's right about…now. Funny wheelchair antics ensue.
Bill Murray is funny just leaning.
Best Make-up: LOTR yet again!
Sound: LOTR
Sound Editing: Master & Commander
(John Travolta and Sandra Bullock - it is to cringe)
I must get around to watching Bringing Uo Baby…
Why Oprah? Isn't half the cast of Mystic River sitting in the front rows?
John! Cusack! Best documentary (short): Chernobyl Heart. Best documentary (long): The Fog of War.
Two years in a row for anti-war statements in documentary acceptance speeches. Ho ho.
And now for some scenes from To Kill A Mockingbird. I never knew Peck was a producer as well.
Sting! Phil Collins! On stage togther! One well placed rocket! Think of what we could achieve!
Best Score: LOTR.
Best Editing: LOTR.
Annnnd...back to the songs…although it's from A Mighty Wind, so it'll be funny.
This second selection of songs is more exciting than the first - Belleville Rendez-vous features a man on hoover.
Okay, more musical fun from Jack Black and Will Ferell, livening things up somewhat…Best original song: LOTR. Looking more and more like a clean sweep, but the big awards are just around the corner.
Best Foreign Language film: The Barbarian Invasions. From the far-off land of Canada.
Best Cinematography: Master and Commander
The Coppolas are coming! The Coppolas are coming!
Best Adapted Screenplay: LOTR! That's a surprise. And I may have to scrape Bonnie from the ceiling…
Best Screenplay: Sofia Coppola
Actually, has a film with >8 nominations ever won all the categories it was up for?
Best director: Peter Jackson. And there's bouncing. Lots of bouncing.
Best actress:Charlize Theron. Blah. This is a little boring; everybody predicted to win has. Only two more awards to go…
There hasn't been any overlong dance routines celebrating cinema this year, which I suppose we should be grateful for.
Johnny Depp! Johnny Depp! Go Go Go! Or Bill Murray!
Best Actor: Sean Penn. Grr. Bonnie: "He's married to Princess Buttercup? That's so cool!"
Best Film: LOTR. There is dancing. And they're all going up to the stage. So it equals Titanic and Ben-Hur. And everybody's crying.
Right, I'm off to bed. It'll be dawn soon…
- Alicia Keys — You Don't Know My Name (Reggae remix)
One of those fun remixes that manages to completely change how a song feels, transforming it from a wintery ballad to a summer smash. Unfortunately, it loses the piano part, but it makes up for that with a big airhorn. Oh yes.
- Sing-Sing — You Don't Know
Starts off like the beginning of a 1980s news programme, and then turns into a lush (ha-ha!) Saint Etienne-type piece. Quite nice. The album I've taken this from The Joy of Sing-Sing, was liberated from the second-hand department of CDAlley in Chapel Hill, for the measly price of $8. Plus, the man on the counter was very nice and friendly; we had a discussion about The Flaming Lips and The Jesus and Mary Chain.
- Joe Henry — Stop
This song ended up becoming Madonna's "Don't Tell Me", but here it is in its original version, a slow and haunting tango. Definitely worth a listen, and thanks again to Laura for bringing it to my attention. Oh, and his website even includes recipes…
From Todd McFarlane's rejected appeal of Gaiman v. McFarlane:
To make him credibly medieval, Gaiman in his script has Olden Days Spawn say to a damsel in apparent distress, “Good day, sweet maiden.” The “damsel” is none other than Angela, a “maiden” only in the sense of making her maiden appearance in Spawn No. 9. Angela is in fact a “warrior angel and villain” who, scantily clad in a dominatrix outfit, quickly dispatches the unsuspecting Olden Days Spawn with her lance.Is it just me, or can you hear the sarcasm dripping from the judge here? I must admit that I haven't read Spawn #9 (but I have read #10, which gets me essential indie-cred points due to it being the Dave Sim issue, but I lose more points for admitting I've read a Spawn comic, I suppose), so the judge could be simplifying for comic (ha-ha!) effect.
The contents of a comic book are typically the joint work of four artists—the writer, the penciler who creates the art work (McFarlane), the inker (also McFarlane, in the case of Spawn No. 9, but it would often be a different person from the penciler) who makes a black and white plate of the art work, and the colorist who colors it.The Letterers Union #151 will have something to say about that, of course. Unless you really like silent issues.
Medieval Spawn may seem to present a closer case than Cogliostro so far as copyrightability is concerned, because he has no name in Spawn No. 9. In fact he has never been named—“Medieval Spawn” is a description, not a proper name. But the Lone Ranger doesn’t have a proper name either (at least not one known to most of his audience—actually he does have a proper name, John Reid), so that can’t be critical. A more telling objection to copyrightability is that the identifier, “Medieval Spawn,” was added by McFarlane in subsequent issues of Spawn to which Gaiman did not contribute. Only his costume and manner of speech, together with the medieval background, distinguish him in Spawn No. 9 from other Hellspawn.You see? Fun legal reading, plus you get to find out just who the Lone Ranger was. What more could you ask for? New TPBs of Miracleman, reprinting a classic comic series that has been tragically out of print for almost two decades now? Thank you, Todd. Now, if we could just get Grant Morrison to sort out a deal with Rebellion and release the thousands of Zenith trades currently stuck in a warehouse in Milton Keynes…
Not good news, is it? But don't worry about that, America. Without a constitutional amendment, homosexuals will be able to marry each other! That's more important! PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE ECONOMY BEHIND THE CURTAIN!
Ice Pops in Hell! Pat Buchanan says something that doesn't seem a whole barrel of crazy (thanks, Stacie for the link).
The ongoing death of the magazine cover.
Adventures in Tech Support! (Or: Why you should never phone a tech support hotline unless you're prepared for a special delivery of pain).
Bwahahahaha. This is a great idea. The Pentagon can stick the Neocons on Earth-2, and let them play out all their little fantasies, thus making the world a safer, saner place.
This week, we're going back to the late 1980s, and The Field Mice. Jangly guitars forever! Or something.
- The Field Mice — Kiss And Make Up
(yes, I prefer the Saint Etienne version as well. But does it have jangly guitars? NO! And that's the mood I'm in today. Hush, or I'll stick a Prefab Sprout or Aztec Camera track up as well…)
For those of you who remember the God-like Genius that is Empire Records (there can be no bad words said about this film. Okay, you could, but you'd be Mad and Wrong), you might recall a post-punk version of Money (That's What I Want) that gets played in the background of a few scenes. This is not that song. But it is a cover by the same band, so it almost fits. I just wanted an excuse to mention Empire Records…
- The Flying Lizards — Sex Machine
It's not entirely unexpected, but still rather sad to hear that Mark and Lard, mainstays of Radio 1 for the past ten years, are splitting up and moving to Radio 2 and 6 respectively. What will we do without High Tea and Tosspots? Who will ask us if we "Fancy A Brew"? What will happen to Lard's "Waaarp" sanctuary? Will Frogging become a pay-per-view sport only available to Freeview viewers who press red now?
Here's the liner notes for "Reverse Midas Touch", a compilation of their greatest Records of The Week (complete with chart placings so they could see just how much an effect they had on the chart; it wasn't pretty), that I sent to them a few years ago.
Mark and Lard began their afternoon show on October 13th 1997, having help to ease the burden on Radio 1's overworked transmitters by chopping off two million listeners from the Breakfast Show's audience.
The hapless duo stated their intention to perform as well in the afternoon as they did at breakfast, hoping to reduce the next RAJAR audience survey to double figures. They brought all-new (and some well-worn_ quality items to the show; who could forget the blazing originality of the Cheesily Cheerful Chart Challenge, or the staggering genius of "Flick or Trick"?
Who could resist Lard's sultry "Waaarrps", or Mark's slavish devotion to the Radio 1 playlist? Or the spectacular collaboration between Fat Harry White and the London Philharmonic Orchestra? This, and many more radio gems, are not included on this CD.
For this is a CD celebrating the Record of The Week. For anybody in Radio 1's target audience, that's all those bits of noise that the play before 911 comes on, or the latest number one by a Chancer With A Drum Machine Washing On The Right-Hand Side. For everybody else, seeing what the duo had picked for this week's record was worth sitting through the endless Steps/Lolly/insert playlisted song here.
They all had something in common. They sold six copies each.
So, without too much ado, we present "The Hit Parade of an alternate universe." A universe where the Lighthouse Family are indeed locked up in a lighthouse, and Michael Bolton is a failed hairdresser, and where the word "playlist" is verboten.
The new Johnny Vaughan show is not as bad as they say. It somehow manages to be worse. A drunken Westlife and Lauren Laverne reduced to pointing at pictures of people holding sausages. 8-(.
Why don't you turn off TV and do something more interesting instead? Because I'm on Tape Duty tonight; I have to record different programmes for my sister, some of which are on satellite, some need to be on the same tape, and some require the juggling of tapes before a tight deadline. I'm the only person in the family who can be trusted with this, so Bonnie has ordered that I can't visit her tonight, as getting the Brit Awards on video is more important than seeing me. I don't mind, oh no. Might just tape over the Justin Timberlake appearances with something more suitable, though. Muahahahaha....
All you wanted to know about the leaked Windows source code (and probably a little more besides).
Flying the friendly, God-fearing skies. And, for Bonnie, even though she won't see this until the weekend (she went into hospital today), a polier for an upcoming episode of the now-cancelled Angel:
Listening regularly to the radio again has some benefits; you often get to hear something that you'd never have heard otherwise. Here's Her Space Holiday, with a song that Lauren Laverne played earlier this week on her radio show, "My Girlfriend's Boyfriend". It's like a mixture of The Magnetic Fields with the Primitive Radio Gods and Bran Van 3000…no wait! Come back! Give it a chance!
And, to keep up my indie-obscurity cred, here's a track that you probably won't have heard before, unless you attended a party in Carrboro in October last year. Yes, this is a Bhangra remix of Snap's "The Power". Cower in fear when you discover I have a full CD-R of these things!
You will need:
- some alcohol
- access to C-SPAN or the Whitehouse.gov feed
Take a drink when:
- Scott mentions September 11th
- …and another when it is has nothing to do with the question asked
- An extra drink if the subject of Iraq and September 11th occur in the same breath.
- Scott ignores the question being asked and repeats the same thing he said a minute ago
- Scott says "activist judges" with a scathing look on his face
- Scott mentions "The War on Terror"
- …and how it has made the world a safer place
- The Press Corps laughs at an obvious evasion
- Scott declines to answer Russell Mokhiber's question
Take a long drink when:
- The Press Corps asks the same question for over fifteen minutes
- …and they still don't get an answer
- Scott goes through tortured hoops to suggest that Bush will alter the Constitution, but never actually say the actual words
- Having no desire to continue this line of questioning, Scott attempts to change the subject, and fails miserably
Drink everything in sight when:
- Scott pulls out a Magnum, fires it wildy into the air screaming "The next person to ask about his military record goes down by a Magmum load!"
- Scott starts the briefing by saying "But first, let's do the HULA!"
- Russell Mokhiber is satisfied with an answer to one of his questions
The Florida jokes start here:
An easy way to determine whether you're a geek or not. Look at this site. If your first thought is "cool", welcome to my world.
This is why Paul O'Brien is the best comics reviewer in the world (or at least Scotland).
Old Soviet propaganda posters.
And, finally, a song for Alex Ferguson…
While the Star Wars fans go nuts over this announcement, I'd like to point out that this wonderful film is available to buy once again this April:
This story amuses me. Even more so if he gave the announcement before take-off; there's nothing quite like having the impression that the pilot is slightly unhinged before he takes control of a 300 tonne airliner, is there?
I feel bad for only sticking up one MP3 on Friday, so here's another (borrowed from Flux's site, which is great for finding new and old gems). This is a remix of Belle & Sebastian's new single "I'm A Cuckoo", by The Avalanches. It's the first released remix of a B&S song, and it's rather fabulous; it removes the Thin Lizzy-esque guitar lines and replaces them with the sounds of a Sudanese choir. Obviously.
Anyway, have a listen. It's good! (Oh, the jam-packed single is released next Monday, and you can pre-order it here)
- The Avalanches & Belle & Sebastian — I'm A Cuckoo
Just one MP3 this week, although it's a classic (if you're a fan of Ultravox, you may beg to differ. You Are Wrong). Back in 1992, the NME gave away a triple-CD album, "Ruby Trax", which consisted of forty covers by then current bands. It's where the Manics' cover of Suicide Is Painless comes from.
This however, is not the Manics. It's Vic Reeves covering Vienna. Only he's singing about Belgium. Badly. You should hear it at least once in your life…
- Vic Reeves — Vienna
The music world is not kind to women. Sure, there are a few who have been allowed onto the honour roll; Patti Smith, Chrissie Hynde, Debbie Harry, and a few others. But for the most part, the role of woman in music mythology is that of Eve, the Temptress who brings about The Fall. Even today, in these supposed enlightened times, the blame for The Beatles break-up falls squarely on Yoko Ono. We ignore the pre-One bickering, the competition between John and Paul; no it was all her fault. She came and stole John away from his friends. We will never forgive her.
In the 1990s, we had a destructive replay of this; The nasty woman came and tempted sensitive Kurt. She liked being famous. He didn't. He shot himself because he couldn't cope with it, leaving a child without a father. The blame came down upon Courtney Love. She wasn't good enough for him, they said. She didn't help his heroin addiction. She ordered his death, contracting out a hit-man, according to the crazier section of the fanbase. Whatever the truth was, we didn't have Kurt anymore and it was all Her Fault. As a result, we laughed at her efforts to have a career; we didn't care that "Live Through This" rocked as hard as anything Nirvana ever did, or that the follow-up "Celebrity Skin" was an AM Rock masterpiece. We laughed at her entry into film, and celebrated when Hole broke up in acrimony shortly after their second album. She took Kurt away from us.
Since the end of Hole, Courtney Love has been taking lots of drugs, speaking out against the record industry, taking Geffen/Universal to court in an attempt to get out of her record contract, and, most recently, fighting for custody of her daughter, Frances Cobain. She's also been working on her first solo album, America's Sweetheart. It's been a few years in the making, going through several different record labels, line-ups, and songs. But it's here now. The released version is co-written with Linda Perry (once of the 4 Non Blondes, and a collaborator with Pink and Christina Aguilera), and comes out next Monday.
"Did you miss me?" she cries out on the opening track and first single, "Mono". It's a mixture of "Celebrity Skin" and the harder rock feel of "Violet"; as declarations of intent go, it's rather spectacular. For a moment, it's all back; the posture, the rage, everything. Then the second track comes in and the album comes off the rails. "But Julian, I'm A Little Too Old For You" is a song that's been kicking around for over a year, a song dedicated to Julian Casablancas from The Strokes, and it's just awful and sketchy (hurrah! I've been looking for an excuse to use that word for a year now). Thankfully, the record recovers fairly quickly, settling into a cross of the AM Rock from "Celebrity Skin" and Pink's "Mizzunderstood". The standout track is "Sunset Strip", a re-examination of Hollywood and the pop/rock world. It borrows some of the melody from R.E.M.'s "Man on The Moon" (if you're going to steal, you might as well steal something good), and I like the lyric "broken hearts that they use as Valentines". But that might just be me. "Life Despite Me" is a bit too schreechy, but has an interesting structure, and the final song, "Never Gonna Be The Same", is a wonderful melancholy closer.
Is it as good as "Celebrity Skin"? No, but it's better than "Live Through This", and shows once again that Ms. Love is more talented than her detractors would have you believe…
More pretty pictures.
Conventional Wisdom states that at least one candidate will drop out after today's Super Seven Primaries. However, in a Primary campaign, Conventional Wisdom is often found drunk at the bottom of a deserted alleyway, beaten up by teenage kids brought up on a diet of that rap and hip-hop filth that torments today's youth (™ & © Bill O'Reilly). Two months ago, John Kerry was a Loser, destined to slink back to Massachusetts and become Ted Kennedy's shadow once more. Now, he has a seven percent lead over President Bush in the polls. But what happened to Dean?
It always was a high-risk strategy. Dean, being seen as a hard-line left choice, was going to find it very difficult to pick up anything from today's elections. The plan was to have resounding wins in Iowa and New Hampshire and thus get them over the hump. The wheels came off a week before the Iowa caucus, and it's been a bad ride ever since. Due to the new method of proportional representational selection of delegates, Dean's failure to win any contest so far doesn't rule him out of the running, and failure to win any of today's won't remove him from the race either. The key state is the Wisconsin primary two weeks from now. In December, he had a 20% lead over all his rivals; if he can't capture the majority of the 87 delegates there, the Money Men will step in and demand their Menaces.
But who shall stand and who will fall today? If Edwards doesn't win South Carolina, he's promised that he'll drop out. And, being the sort of person who wants to believe, I think he will, although if he loses by a few hundred votes he may decide to reconsider. I don't think anybody else will drop out after today; Kucinich and Sharpton are both nuts enough to carry on without any semblance of support, Clark might do better in some of the upcoming contests, and Lieberman, well, he's like the Zombie Candidate: no matter what you do to him, he keeps coming. Hated by most of his party! ZING! Saddled with the taint of defeat from four years ago! BOING! Even his running mate from last time would rather have a crazed left-wing lunatic who'll nationalise the all American industry and rip up NAFTA rather than support him! PING! Comes a woeful fifth in the New Hampshire primary, despite being a high-profile contender! NOTHING STOPS ZOMBIE LIEBERMAN! ZRRR!
Okay, I'm now convinced. The chair of the Home Secretary is some Evil force, that corrupts anyone who sits in it for any length of time. How else can you explain this? I mean, why does he even want trials? Given the lack of chance for an accused to defend themselves, Blunkett might as well go for the jugular and re-introduce the witch tests. If he sinks, he's innocent! If he floats, he's a dirty terrorist!
MAN 1: I'll just need to see some ID.
MAN 2: I'm sorry?
MAN 1: Your police ID.
MAN 2: But I'm not a cop?
MAN 1: Really? Well, then you've been misleading me. £1,500, and not a penny less.
MAN 2: Curses!
MAN 1: Aha! You've behind hoist by your own petard!
MAN 2 (checks his person): I don't have any Elizabethan explosives on me, I'm afraid. Shall we call it £1,000?
MAN 1: Oh, go on, then.
February, then. A new month, and hopefully a return to normal service. Unless I get called out to Austria in the next few weeks. Leap year as well, so that's another day to fill with nonsense and gibberish. I think I'm up to it.
MAN 1: That'll be £1,250 for the car, then. You can't say fairer than that.
MAN 2: Surely I can.
MAN 1: No, I don't think you can.
MAN 2: Really?
MAN 1: Really.
MAN 2: "Fairer than that."
MAN 1: It's a fair cop. Shall I take £150 off?
MAN 2: That would be splendid, thank you.